Before Kids

There's no doubt that having children is a life-changing experience.  The moment they lay that little babe on your chest, your world changes.  Heck, the moment that little being is conceived, your lifestyle probably changes, along with your thoughts and feelings about what the future will hold.  Most changes really are for the better.  There's definitely times that I look at my childless friends and yearn to have the freedom that they do.  However,  I can't imagine life without my little ones.  They turn every day into joy and their giggles melt away all my worries.  But let's be honest.  Some things are just different when you have kids.   Here are some things I did or had before kids. 

Before kids I.....   

Took pictures of adults, pets, scenery, etc. 

My phone is maxed out with over a thousand pictures, 998 of which are pictures of my kids. The other three pictures were probably an accident. 

Had a clean car

Why does my car always smell like a foot? I'm going to guess it has something to do with goldfish crackers, popcorn and discarded sippy cups of milk.  I sold my old car to my husband's friend.  For several months after he'd purchased it, he would bring over small toys, pencils, and game pieces he'd found under the seats.    

My backseat full of kids and car seats. 

Cleaned my house 

Because, well, what's the point? 

  

Shopped in a mall 

The closest mall is about 40 minutes away.  If I want to go by myself, I'd have to have a babysitter.  If I want to take the kids with me, the following must occur:  Plan when I'd like to go around naps.  Feed and clothe the children (I'm already exhausted). Pack the diaper bag. Load up the stroller.  Get said children into the car.  Drive 40 minutes. Haul the stroller, diaper bag and kids out of the car.  Fight with a three year old about whether she will ride in the double stroller or walk with the 6 year old.  Navigate through a tantrum.  Stuff purse and diaper bag and crying children into the stroller.  Enter the mall (use the handicapped button or strategically plan to walk in with another person who looks like they will sympathize with you and hold the doors). Head into a store.  Ram your cart into every too-close clothing rack.  Move quickly so no one starts crying.  If you do have to stop, continue rocking the stroller back and forth with your foot in the illusion that the stroller is still moving so that no children cry.  Grab a few clothing items and ask to try them on.  You must wait for the handicapped fitting room because you can't jam that double stroller into an average fitting room.  Trust me, I've tried.  You can't Austin Powers that thing into a room the size of a bathroom stall.  Try two things on before someone cries or want out of the stroller.  Yank your child back under the fitting room door by her foot before she escapes. Just grab the remainder of clothing items and resort to returning them to the rack.  Get the hell out of that store.  Stop for a snack of overpriced soft pretzels, slurpees, cookie.  Search for $8.00 in quarters so your kids can ride on the germ-infested, motorized car/dinosaur/helicopter. Reverse the process and head home. Pray that your children fall asleep in the car on the ride home. 

Purchased clothing for myself

See aforementioned mall shopping. 

Went to the bathroom/took a shower by myself

We've talked about this one.  The fact of the matter is, if there's not a kid in the bathroom with me, they're probably in the other bathroom doing something like this:

Decorated my home 

That cute looking decorative box I'd like to put on my coffee table is now referred to as the "treasure box." None of my "treasures" are ever found inside. That fun candle holder shattered a week after I bought it when Harper knocked the entire console table over. And the only reason I might paint the walls these days is to cover up the sticky hand prints and scribble marks. 

Worked out

Do I even need an explanation for this? 

Drank alcohol

You know what's not fun when you have children? Being woken up at 6am with a hangover (or still drunk!). 

Stayed up late

You know what's not fun when you have children? Being woken up at 6am when you just went to bed three hours ago. 

Went out to the movies, on dates, or the bar

Okay, we still do the first two but their occurrences are few and far between. 

Read books for enjoyment

The last books I read for enjoyment were the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  It just didn't seem right reading a dirty novel while my kids rode bikes in the driveway. "Hey, don't handcuff your sister! I mean, don't punch your sister!"  

Arrived on time

Because someone always has to go potty, get a drink, wants a snack, doesn't have socks on, has to go potty, can't find a matching shoe, lost a hat, needs a tissue, exploded a diaper, needs their blanket, wants a special toy, and has to go potty. Again. 

Did the deed when the mood struck

It's in the calendar.  Seriously. And even then, it often times doesn't get done. 

Finished a complete thought. 

One time, I was talking to someone and then-

Watched whatever I wanted on TV, whenever I wanted. 

Even if I start watching something, Harper begs for Dora or "Mick Jr." Or Lilly just changes it to a kids show. Darn kids, learning how to use the remote. 

Referred to myself using the pronoun "I."

My husband hates this. When I become a mother, I suddenly started referring to myself in the third person. "Want mommy to hold you?" "Mommy loves you!" "Mommy wants you to sit down and be quiet so Mommy can drink mommy's bottle glass of wine." (Please someone tell me that you do this too.) 

I know there's 13 billion other things I probably did before kids too.  But ya know what? I can't really remember much of life before kids.  And now that they are all tucked in snuggly in their beds, I'm going to poop by myself, tidy up the house, turn on the television to whatever I want, pour a glass of wine, and fall asleep on the couch by 9:30.  Ah, this is the life.